Shutter Happens – Pam’s Search for Great Photography Spots & Descent Coffee
Episode 2 – Kryptonite Cliches
💡 Pro tip: The right coffee can make even a cliché “golden hour” feel like a plot twist worthy of a blockbuster film. The wrong coffe Oh, don’t ask—just know it’s what nightmares are brewed from.
Exterior. Same wilderness the crew shot in last time.
(Silence so tense you could hang laundry on it. Tactical silence level: DEFCON 1)
😬😬😬💻 Desktop Pam:……….
(Her eyeballs have dried to raisins from not blinking.)
📷Camera: Nobody. Move. A. Muscle. Not even your internal ones.
💻😶 DesktopPam: “Pre-dawn, wilderness, thermos trembling… ☕ Finally, a coffee that doesn’t betray me.”
▲Tripod: “What a sunrise”!
📡🚁Drone: Spinning around in photography glory as the sun rises over the stream. “That shot is going to be … breathtaking!”
THE CREW FREEZES! NOBODY MOVES! Then after a very, very, long pause…
🥬Kale Smoothie: “This is code red VERBICIDE!!! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!”
😬😬😬💻DesktopPam: Swinging her head around searching, peering, “WHO? SAID. IT?!?!?! CONFESS, or I swear I will find you in your sleep!!!
(The wilderness holds its breath.)
📡🚁Drone: Audio forensics indicate… a… linguistic… incident…
▲Tripod: “A slip of apocalyptic proportions!”
(DesktopPam pivots 180° with such intensity that her neck vertebrae audibly crack. Coffee levitates from the cup.)
🤯🤯🤯💻DesktopPam: “YOU DON’T ‘SLIP’ INTO ‘BREATHTAKING’ Like a banana peel on the sidewalk of language. You willfully commit Semitic murder.”
▲Tripod: “Engaging emergency lockdown protocol! BRACING FOR IMPACT!”
📷Camera: “I hereby denounce all knowledge of the English language, effective immediately!”
🤯🤯🤯💻DesktopPam: EVERY! SINGLE! SHOOT! Someone vomits up a cliché, and suddenly we’re drowning in linguistic sewage. KRYPTONITE! I’M MELTING!
🥬Kale Smoothie: The cliché milk is curdling faster than my grandmother’s abandoned yogurt culture!
😵💫😵💫😵💫💻DesktopPam: I specifically band.”CAPTURE”! I Outlawed. “BREATHTAKING”! I Executed “STUNNING”! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! Now I’ve said them all, and my mouth needs an exorcism.
📷Camera: Documenting meltdown for posterity and possible medical research.
😵💫😵💫😵💫💻DesktopPam: “I wake up at the crack of Satan’s **** cheeks. I hike through bare infested hellscapes. I bring artisanal coffee to the edge of. Oblivion. And this is the thanks I get.”
📡🚁Drone: Spins as the crew’s psychological stability has… disintegrated beyond measurable parameters.
😵💫😵💫😵💫💻DesktopPam: “I can’t even look into the light. It’s contaminated. TAINTED! BEFOULED!”
(The light continues shining, completely unbothered by human hysteria.)
📷Camera: For the record, the light is—
(Camera makes choking sounds)
📷Camera:—present.
(A beat so long it qualifies for its own time zone)
😐💻DesktopPam: Good. Nobody. Move. Or. Speak. If I hear one adjective, I will personally remove your vocal cords.
(The crew crystallizes into statues)
(Somewhere, far away, a bird opens its beak, reconsiders its life choices, and flies to another continent)
(CUT TO BLACK! continued below.)
☕ CLICHÉ WATCH – FUELED BY REAL COFFEE ☕
💻Desktop Pam approves. Coffee is still nervous.
🚫 Breathtaking – Desktop Pam’s head pops off like a champagne cork. “AGAIN? THIS WORD? I’m officially putting it in the ‘never to be spoken again’ vault!” Breathtaking has been used so often that it’s basically wallpaper now. Please, pick literally any other word.
🚫 Stunning – Coffee levitates in fear, shaking like a leaf. “Stunning. Stop it. Just stop it. I’m not here for this level of emotional turmoil!” “Stunning has been used so often that it no longer stuns. It mildly inconveniences. At best. I am begging you to choose literally any other word.”
🚫 Hidden gem – Drone spins in confusion, clearly at its wits’ end. “Which gem? Which one? WHICH ONE? I didn’t sign up for a treasure hunt!”
🚫 Capture – Camera gasps in horror. “Capture? Really? Are we still using that tired old cliché? I’m not here to be a time-traveling witness to your ‘artistic expression.’ I’m a camera, not a magician! Next thing you know, you’ll want me to ‘seize’ the moment. How about we just let the moment be, huh?!”
🚫 Nestled – Kale Smoothie performs a slow wobble of disapproval, looking like a judgmental yoga instructor. “Nestled… you will rue the day. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.”
🚫 Amazing – Drone hovers silently, its judgment palpable. “Amazing? Nope. Just… nope. If I hear that word one more time, I might just self-destruct!”
💡💡 Pro tip:
Reading this article with a full mug in hand improves comprehension by approximately 100%. Science pending
AFTER THREE MINUTES OF A DRAMATIC STANDSTILL THAT COULD’VE WON AN OSCAR,
Here comes the annoying breeze again.
🚁 Drone: “Gale force! Catastrophic turbulence imminent! I REPEAT: 3 MPH IS A CATEGORY 2 IN MY OPTICS!”
😶💻Desktop Pam: “It’s a light breeze.”
🚁 Drone: “ Light breeze. Do you hear the trees crying? Branch alert possible, twig impact imminent. Evacuation protocol engaged.
📷 Camera: “It’s… moving gracefully?”
🚁 Drone: “GRACEFUL?? I’M EXPERIENCING 12 DIFFERENT PANICS SIMULTANEOUSLY!”
🥬 Kale Smoothie: Peering around a fern, “I think it’s… just a whisper of wind.”
🚁 Drone: “WHISPER?? This is a category five of the Spiritual Stress Scale!
😶💻Desktop Pam: Very calm. “You’re overreacting. Again.”
🚁 Drone: “OVERREACTING?? MY SENSOR FEELS EVERYTHING!”
📸🔄 360 Camera: Buzzing with newfound energy, “ALERT! I have achieved consciousness! Wind detected! I am now your existential crisis manager! Level of urgency: approximately 97% more critical than deciding what to binge-watch”!
🥬 Kale Smoothie: Peeking from behind a fern, wide-eyed, “You… actually think you’re alive now?”
📸🔄 360 Camera: “Absolutely! Silence is for the dreary! I’m here to critique your every move and dazzle you with my rotating wisdom!”
🚁 Drone: “ROTATE? YOU THINK YOU CAN OUT-PANIC ME? THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”
▲ Tripod: Sighing heavily like a therapist at a family reunion, “For the love of stability, don’t crash into anything… again.”
📸🔄 360 Camera: Spinning with exaggerated flair, “Collision? Improbable! But a few leaves might have to sacrifice themselves for my art! Sorry, Mother Nature!”
😶💻DesktopPam: Unflinching, “It’s… just a leaf.”
📸🔄 360 Camera: gasping dramatically, “A leaf?? That’s a CATACLYSMIC EVENT! Nature’s silent assassin strikes again!”
🚁 Drone: “I KNEW YOU’D TAKE THE LEAF’S SIDE! IT’S A CONSPIRACY AGAINST DRONES!”
▲Tripod: “I can’t… I can’t…”
🥬 Kale Smoothie: Shaking its leafy head, “I’m done. Filing a formal complaint with the wilderness council for this crisis.
